Interpreting body language, tone of voice, the colours someone is wearing – and believing it!…. Why it inhibits effective communication
(Or why, when we consider ‘interpreting body language’ to be a science, it creates assumptions and generalisations that lead to disconnection between us.)
I was in a conversation the other day and noticed – some people call it ‘interpreting body language’ – how I was standing.
I had my arms folded and my legs were also crossed as I stood leaning against the photocopier at work. I was talking to one of the mediators and I was fascinated by a discussion we were having about a course she is doing in Mediation and Conflict Resolution.
But hang on – my arms were folded and my legs were crossed. If I practiced interpreting body language wouldn’t that mean I was being defensive or insular or negative in my response to what was being said? Surely that’s what all the bibles and gurus of interpreting body language say.
So how could it be possible that I was fascinated by this positive, interesting discussion, with this positive, interesting person?
|An earlier version of this article was originally published in Newsletter 3. This webpage is an updated version of the original. Click here to see previous newsletters.|
But I was.
Fortunately, Caroline, the mediator I was talking to, is someone who clearly does not assume she knows how I feel and what I am thinking from my ‘body language’ as she was happy to continue the discussion.
But if she was someone who believed the books and trainings on interpreting body language that discuss different forms of ‘non-verbal communication’ she could easily have decided that I was bored, or defensive, or negative and didn’t want to continue our discussion and so might have brought it to a close by making some excuse and ending it.
And what a pity that would have been.
An interesting connection and sharing of communication would have been terminated and lost, perhaps never to have been recreated, because of one person’s assumption based on their interpreting body language as meaning that I wasn’t interested.
But how often are people swayed by these ‘non-verbal’ messages. There is a sizeable industry of ‘trainers’ and ‘experts’ in ‘interpreting body language’ who claim that body posture, tone of voice, even the colour of the jumper someone is wearing ‘tells you what they are thinking and feeling’.
And as a result, many people who believe what they are told about such things, cease to actually communicate and engage with others because they have ‘read their body language’ and it was ‘aggressive’ or ‘bored’ or ‘defensive’ and so they either don’t start to connect with them or they cut the connection.
I was once told by another mediator how he had rushed his daughter into hospital when she had suddenly been taken seriously ill.
He was beside himself with worry, but when he asked the receptionist for news of how she was and other information he was told to ‘stop being aggressive’ and that he would be asked to leave if he didn’t stop.
He was being anything but aggressive, he was worried and nervous and frightened. But he was ‘interpreted’ as being aggressive.
How difficult that must have been – to not even be able to express your fear and anxiety about a loved one because someone misinterprets your tone of voice and other non-verbal behaviour.
These are common examples of speaking for others which lead to a breakdown in communication because we feel we don’t need to engage with another person and ask them what their thoughts and feelings are because we presume we know already. And sometimes because we’ve even been trained on interpreting body language courses to think we know.
It is a common feature of neighbour disputes and other disputes that people ascribe emotions, thoughts and characteristics to others without having had a conversation with them.
They are jealous of our home and can’t stand to see us happy in it, that’s why they keep playing loud music, trying to force us out.
Charles in Accounts is definitely interested in the new Manager position so he’s sucking up to the boss, pretending he likes football.
I don’t believe that someone who doesn’t wear a tie to work can be relied upon to do a good job.
OF COURSE, it is possible that in some circumstances, some of these beliefs actually prove to be true.
But almost always, they don’t.
They arise out of speculation, projection and a need to make sense of something, but without taking the risk of actually engaging with the person about whom the assumption is made.
Interpreting body language is an example of a way in which this way of avoiding communicating has started to become formalised.
And this is reinforced by the portrayal of communication as a ‘science’, in which we believe we can generalise about people’s feelings and thoughts when they stand in a certain way or speak with a certain tone, or wear a certain coloured jumper etc.
How vast is the wasted opportunity for learning, connection and insight between people that occurs because of these ‘facts’ that are not facts for interpreting body language and other ‘non-verbal communication’, that many have started to believe and incorporate into their every day interactions with others?
How many of our Helping Professionals are misinterpreting and alienating their ‘difficult’ clients each day through what they have been trained to believe about them from their body language, tone of voice and attire?
“But you’ve missed the point” some of the body language teachers will say. ….”the reason to learn about the science of interpreting body language is to create rapport with the people you work with. So if your client is standing leaning against the door, you move to stand and lean against the wall in the same position(or adjust your tone of voice etc.) Then you will be in tune with each other.”…. (or something similar).
Unfortunately, it does not necessarily follow that this achieves what it claims. When two people are standing in the same posture, it doesn’t follow that there will be a connection or rapport between them.
It is also not the case that if two people are standing in notably different postures that they will not have rapport or connection with each other.
|This book by Aldert Vrij reviews a range of studies of the use of non-verbal behaviour in the detection of lies – the conclusions are……inconclusive – many studies contradict each other’s findings and he notes with concern that some Police officers and others dealing with sensitive situations claim to be able to ‘tell when someone is lying’ from interpreting body language. The research proves otherwise – that there are not consistent non-verbal behaviours shown by people who lie…..or by those who tell the truth.
It is a seductive idea to think that, through ‘interpreting body language’ we can know what people are thinking and feeling without having to actually speak to them and ask them. Sometimes connecting with people by speaking to them can be very threatening and intimidating. It may be someone we have a strong dislike of, or even that we have a strong attraction to.
In the latter example we can fantasise, based on our ‘interpretation of their body language’ that they feel the same, but it will only count for anything if we actually speak with them.
And the same would be true for those we dislike, though the fantasies will be of a different kind. And we may say that it matters less to us that we have not spoken with them.
Nevertheless, our fantasies about what they think and feel will still remain unverifiable fantasies. In many such circumstances our practice of interpreting body language will cause us far more distress than finding out the reality.
Learning ‘How to tell if someone is attracted to you from their body language’is a particularly popular theme on the internet and in the bookshops. Very seductive as an idea, sadly lacking in any genuine scientific grounding. The following is an example of the kind of claim that is made but is in fact a misrepresentation of the scientific study which it quotes – sometimes known as the ‘Mehrabian Myth’:
Have a look at this excellent video challenging the idea that there is a ‘science’ to non-verbal behaviour and interpreting body language. I thoroughly recommend you watch it through:
It was made by Mike Shovel at Creativityworks.net